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The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit! and the person who doesn’t get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate’s disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.! ): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

A kiss of silent whisper,
I plant upon your lips,
Gentle and balmy,
Gossamer silk-caressing,
Zephyr breathed with honeysuckle musk,
Soft sweet somnolent and lazy,
To close your eyes in contented sigh,
And carry you to the blissful sleep of the loved.

I am an evil parent,
I know that this is true,
it’s a crime against humanity,
the things I make you do.
It’s really mental cruelty,
when I start to shout and ball,
of jam that’s splattered up the stairs,
the cornflakes in the hall.
The smelly socks that span the landing,
really aren’t at all outstanding,
It wasn’t you that broke the door,
nor dropped the clothes that sprawl your floor.
I bought a cake for Sunday lunch,
you ate it all and called it brunch.
I made a pud all yummy goo,
you took one look and scoffed that too.
Some things I do you find obscene,
like fill a plate with things of green.
As if such things would pass your lips,
so I relent and you have chips.
It’s Amnesty for brussel sprouts,
a swede would give you temper bouts.
A hormone rush you’d scream and rage,
I daren’t tell you to ‘act your age’.
‘Your music’s loud’ I say so bold,
a grumpy fart and oh so old.
But all these things they are forgiven,
when Speech Day prizes they are given.



Was talking to someone the other day about teenagers and promised to dig this one out and post it. Here it is - written for and dedicated to my eldest son. I can still remember the Kev & Perry moments :)

I have just booked in for the Christmas party - hurray. And I was wondering whether I should dig out my festive underwear - a pair of red silk boxers with pictures of Rudolph all over them. Tasteful eh? Not bought by me.

My son, youngest, had what he called a pair of pulling pants. They just didn't work for him. Well it was either them or the Lynx Africa. I know because I asked him when he acquired his girlfriend. "How did you manage to 'pull' someone as charming, bright and good looking as her? Were you wearing your lucky pulling pants or was she drunk?" "No I wasn't and yes she was a little bit. And you're horrible." He's right - I am a horrible tease.

I haven't got any lucky or unlucky clothes - but I wonder if anyone has any superstitions about them? My father would never put new shoes on a table or open a brolly indoors for example.

1. He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine .

2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

10. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

11. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

12. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

13. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

14. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

15. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

16. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

19. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

20. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

21. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

22. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

23. Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under

24. Every calendar's days are numbered.

25. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

26. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

27. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

28. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

29. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

30. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead -to-dough basis.

31. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

32. Acupuncture is a jab well done.